Give it a go!

Give it a go!

Im going to be doing this with 3 people this weekend who ispire me, or justplain and simple make me happy.

Give it a go, you never know, it may in fact cheer you up! 

Love always,



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I’m so so sorry that I haven’t actually done the video yet. Or really haven’t been posting that much.

Dramas began Saturday, I got to hang with my best friend ever!! Yay 🙂 then shit went down and yeah. She is grounded and I don’t know when I will be seeing her next which is a bit shit. Oh well.

Today I got my hair done! Brown again yay!!

I don’t think I mentioned this is any posts before but I applied for a hairdressing apprenticeship, sent off a CV and cover letter and I have an interview on Tuesday!! I’m so excited I just want to be Tuesday but I’m nervous as hell! So any advice leave in comments below. I will keep you updated on how everything goes!

Maybe this is my light switch.
Because from a girl who is struggling I feel like I’m finally starting to win!

Love always,

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Finding hope in a hopeless world.

I’m finally feeling a true sense of happiness. Getting my life on track. I applied for a hairdressing apprenticeship and I didn’t want to get my hopes up too high. But it’s real, I got an interview! For Tuesday. And I just want to scream it to the world.

Maybe I can finally do something, and get on with everything. At a time where I was feeling completely hopeless this has lifted my spirits +100000!

Hope is somewhere. Just hold on.

It does get better take it from a girl who has struggled for so long, but finally starting to win.

Video has everything sorted all I need to do now is record and edit! So should hopefully be up by Tuesday! Before my interview.

Don’t forget to smile, and if someone hasn’t told you today, you are doing a freaking awesome job, so hang in there!

Love always,

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Crumbling world

When my entire world comes crumbling down.
I think to myself and begin to frown.
For every bad time there was something that made it better.
For every good time there was something that made it worse.
It never seemed to fade.
It just made me feel sad.
Sadness that to comprehend for people who haven’t felt it is near impossible. But for those who have felt this sadness that never seems to fade. Hanging over like a dark cloud.
It is the worst and its horrible.
I’m tired but no amount of sleep is going to cure this.
More often then not I wish I was dead.

I’m just a little down right now. Will pick myself back up tomorrow.

Also will be trying to do the new video soon.

Called ‘for all those struggling’ I should probably take my own advice…

Love always,

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Dreaming with my eyes open.

Whether I’m awake or asleep I’m always dreaming. My mind is pondering things that probably may not happen. Coming up with ideas that I will never have the confidence to do. At hats when I realise that I’m to stuck in my dreamworld to even notice what is really happening in my reality. 

whether it be ignoring someone non intentionally. Or having no ability to breathe because of panic attacks which end up sending me into tears which can not be controlled.

i need a magic pill that will make me less tired, because no amount of sleep will ever be enough to cure my tiredness. Where do I turn to find a pill so amazing.. If I follow Alice down that hole and find my wonderland? Or fly out the window with Peter Pan to find myself as a child where everything seemed possible and I had no fear, regrets and instead high self esteem and the will to find anything possible. 


when I dream, it’s not often with my eyes closed, instead with them open. Having control over a made up world is much easier then facing this big ugly world. 

My 3 friends I have, k, t and z. they mean the world to me. Through all my ups and downs they have been there to make me smile, whether it be a simple but loving note, a block of chocolate or a walk along the beach. The only people who can bring the reality back to me.

who make me question even just for a second, 

is the world really such a terrible place? 


My mood over the past couple of days has been changing. From I’m so angry I could kill someone to crying because I’m falling apart.


Trying to hold on to whatever hope I can find.


love always,



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A sweet message to go a long way.


It’s the small things that make you smile.
Walking into a cafe and ordering a hot chocolate happens twice a week at this cafe while I wait for the library to open.
This particular morning, I had greatly received a total of 2 hours sleep and still managed to sluggishly drag my sorry ass out of bed.
Walking in I had my music on full and humming a song to myself.
While ordering my hot chocolate I noticed that the lady who was serving me was looking at me intensely. I paid and went to the bathroom. It was then I realised by puffy blood shot eyes and mascara from yesterday smudged a little down my eye made me look as bad as I felt. I cleaned myself up as best as I could and went to sit down.
The girl came over with my hot chocolate and said ‘hey, I know it’s none of my business but just hang in there, you will be okay’. She smiled and walks away. A simple message of knowing I was not alone helped me get through that day. So whether you’re going to bed and reading this or just waking up.
You will be okay. You are stronger then you think and you’ve just got to hang in there.

Always here if you need a chat.

Love always,



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Have you?

Have you ever felt like giving up?
I know the feeling. I want to give up all the time. I try not to. Wishing things will get better when so many bad things happen.

You don’t remember what it’s like to be happy?
I know the feeling. Being walked all over by everyone. Being used. Feeling worthless and you never know when someone is lying to you or not.

Finding it harder and harder to trust?
I know that feeling.

Tired of being hurt so many times that you just want to give up and give in and not get back up?
I know the feeling. I feel like this so often. Currently I do. I have been.

If you feel like any of these, its horrible. But you have to hang in there. Remember there is always someone out here dealing with the same things. You are never alone. Even when you feel alone.

Don’t let others bring you down. Be yourself, do what you like, be happy with your life, love yourself and love others even when they don’t show love back. Care for everyone. It can be hard. But you have to try.

I believe in you.
You are beautiful and you are strong.
I love you.
Stay strong.

Love always,

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A time that comes in everyone’s life. Where they are no longer a child but also not ready for adulthood yet. The awkward inbetween as I call it.

You are forced to think about your future. Which most of the time I have no freaking clue. I cant even make up my mind about what I want to eat. Let alone what I want to do for the rest of my life. Or the matter of fact that I dont know if I want the rest of my life.

I want to travel and see the world but I dont like people/crowd’s and everything.
I want to be happy but at the same time I have become addicted to my sadness. The fact that I cant let it go scares me even more. Or maybe its the fact that it wont let me go… I’m full of contradictions.

Well I guess I better get back to planning for my future, or maybe I will just stick to tomorrow for now.

Sleeping update:
Insomnia is getting terrible again. I need more sleep… Around 3 to 6 hours per night im getting at the moment. No wonder im grumpy…

Average mood this weekend. Tired and a bit low at times. Tonight is a low night.. but im staying with my grandparents.  Who always take the time to look after me…

Mask is up this weekend. Will probably be dropped tomorrow a little when I get back home. Im going to try my best to hold it together though.

Wish me luck.

Will be doing a plan of what I want to accomplish this week tomorrow. And have a few more posts coming. And writing the next video soon.

Love always,



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My invisible monster.

Lately I have been having a really hard time talking with family and friends about how I really feel. They are the ones who support me and I can’t even explain to them what is going on.

My invisible monster her names (depression).

She steals away what happiness I once had. Makes it hard to walk down the street and often end up sitting with me in the car while I wait for others to return. My monster is closer with me then my father, my mother, my sister or my lover. She has seen me at my worst. And manages to ruin me at my best. Simple tasks become not so easy. Finding the energy to do anything becomes harder then finding Peter Pan in Neverland. And what confidence I once had has disappeared into a dark abyss. She hangs around like a shadow and sometimes when I think she has gone I turn around to find her waiting. With the snap of her fingers she turns a smiling girl into a girl breaking down.

A lot of the time I find it so much easier not to tell anybody how I feel. This is only because a lot of people don’t understand the invisible monster inside my head. The world doesn’t need to know when she is in a full on war, or if she’s just pottering around polluting my files with sadness. Because at the end of the day, monsters, invisible or not.
Are fucking terrible.

Love always,

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Its up now!

Check it out!!!!

Love always,